May 2010
53 posts
Skee-Lo - “I Wish”
Since that shirt...
April 2010
73 posts
Awkward moments: meeting the editor for the first...
Situation: I was helping the new editor (late-50s/early-60s) set up her office, and was plugging in all the computer stuff under her desk. She made a comment that she’s “so glad to finally be at the point in her career when someone else can do all the things under her desk.”
It gets awkward: Without a pause, I reply with “oh come on now [editor], I’m sure this...
Dynamically add form elements with jQuery →
Automatically creates an array for new inputs and easily works with error-activated repopulation. Awesome.
The roast of Dany Gehshan
A few years ago, my friend Dany was having people roast him for his birthday. I was in Vancouver, and he was in Mississauga, but I really wanted to participate. So I wrote the following roast and had him read it to the guests, making him promise that he wouldn’t read it beforehand and try to be in character as much as possible. He did it exactly as I’d hoped and told me that “all...
Les Colocs - “La Rue Principale”
This...
Awkward moments: the neighbourly neighbour
Scene: three of us are in the elevator, typical apartment-sharing small talk ensues, we get off at the same floor and head to the same corner of the building
Neighbour #1 (male) makes a joke of friendship: well I guess we have this corner cornered off!
Pleasantries and introductions: Neighbour #2 (female), who I’ve never met before and lives right across the hall, wants to confirm if I go...
Text message from Jordan: Just readin' my book, eatin' a fruit snack, ridin' the bus back to my pad
Internal monologue: What an unusual yet coincidental thing to write in a text! I'm also reading a book, eating a fruit snack, and riding the bus back to my pad!
Internal dialogue: Look up, Matthew
Internal monologue: Why would I do that?
Internal dialogue: Trust me
Me: [looks up]
Jordan: [looks back, shit-eating grin]
Internal monologue: Son of a bitch...
Internal dialogue: Told you
“I think that’s bullshit.”
– Michael Ruhlman on Karen Page’s assertion that the average person is too busy to cook. (via blownspeakers)
I let a cat into my apartment building a few days...
…and I’ve become increasingly concerned with its well-being.
I was leaving through the back door, on the way to the garbage bin, and jumped a little when I saw movement. The white cat and I looked at each other for about a split-second, and then it made for the still-open door. My automatic thought was “after you sir” (including a hand-sweeping gesture) and I held it open...
Waiting room seduction
While in the waiting room of my endocrinologist today, I had this sudden fantasy about approaching the girl across the room.:
Me: so, pancreas or thyroid? Her: pancreas, you? Me: both, baby. Both
Then, heart atwitter, she’d hop on the back of my motorcycle, arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and I’d drive straight through the window to drive off into the sunset with her.
Aside...
“My diabetes, which was under better control than ever, decided to fuck itself...”
– Email from Travis. This is how good friends discuss serious health issues, talk about exciting life developments, and make plans.
“I eyed the thermos lid, submitting it to a test of attractiveness, to see if I...”
– Jonathan Ames’ Wake Up, Sir! has quickly become a contender for both the “Make Matthew laugh a lot in public” and “Books I can relate to, but wish I didn’t” awards.
Racism is confusing
Donna (Asian): Gary will be coming by to fix it
Me (not Asian): oh Gary! Haven't seen him in a while
Donna: which Gary are you talking about?
Me: there's two Garys? I mean the Asian guy
Donna: they're both Asian
Me: oh shit... am I being racist? Do I think they're the same person because they're both Asian? I really had no idea there were two Garys
Donna: haha, the one coming by is the one who sometimes smokes outside of the building
Me: no, that's Andrew (Asian, kind of looks like the guy I know as Gary)...
Donna: oh...
Me: are YOU being racist now? I don't understand
[acronym]* isn't included in the HTML5 spec
This makes me genuinely sad. I didn’t even know I had a favourite HTML tag until just now.
* square brackets because Tumblr is annoying sometimes.
Awkward moments: meeting our student assistant for...
Situation: On her first day at work, we are being introduced.
My reaction: “Oh hey, I know you! I have all these high-res pictures of you on my computer. You’re shorter than I thought!”
Her reaction: Understandable fear.
My attempt to alleviate said fear fails: “Haha, it’s nothing weird; they’re for a website. I think you’re in my portfolio.”
...
Jonny Greenwood - “Convergence”
WatchI found out that the video of my MRI is about to hit a thousand views. It’s weird knowing that so many people have seen the inside of my brain…
That was my third MRI, the first when I was 10 years old. The year before, I’d started getting pretty severe headaches that varied between short-term sharp pains and occasional migraines. Without going into too much detail, I was...
Stories from the delivery guy
How it started:
Him: what’s your name again? Me: Matthew Him: oh right, I knew that. Haha, who am I kidding? No I didn’t Me: haha, don’t worry about it Him: I can always remember the girl upstairs, Nissa, because I think of Nissan Me: OK, we’ve got to figure out a good association… Matthew… Him: McConaughey! Just sit around without a shirt on and it’ll be...
Volunteers needed for research
I’m working on a couple of research projects involving publishing, academia, poetry, accessibility, and usability; but I’m having trouble finding the people who can help move these from theoretical to practical. Since they involve technical issues for traditionally non-technical fields, my usual sources for both have proven completely useless. If you know anyone who can help me out,...
A conversation I had last year at Home Depot
Me [to an orange-aproned gentleman]: Hi! Where can I find fuses?
Him: sorry, fuses?
Me [assuming he also thought it was funny that I was asking for fuses in 2009]: haha, yeah, fuses
Him: I don't know what you mean
Me: oh... um, you know, for a fuse box; what they used to use before switch boxes
Him: [blank stare]
Me: fuses... they looks like little flat lightbulbs. A lot of stoves still use them for the burners
Him: sorry, I don't know what you mean
Me [flabbergasted that I'm at Home Depot explaining fuses to someone 20 years my elder]: they're used for power... they all have thin strips of metal that accommodate various current levels. If things overload, the metal breaks, and the power turns off. People will sometimes shove pennies in the slots to let the current run again, but that's a huge fire hazard
Him: I still don't know what you mean
Internal dialogue: is this really happening? You've never lived anywhere with a fuse box before; why do you know so much about them? What valuable information have you lost due to this stockpile of fuse knowledge?
Me: I'm going to ask someone else...
So how you gonna bring your children to God,
now...
Teenagers are ridiculous
Yesterday, my co-worker and I swapped high school basketball stories. His happened on the rare day they removed the gym wall separating girls’ and boys’ sides for tests. They all lined up and, one by one, had to demonstrate a perfect lay-up for their term grade. Basketball was not his sport and the girl he had a crush on was watching—not a good combination (also, teenager-gawkiness).
...
“According to this assessment, you have $2 of federal unused tuition, education,...”
– Canada Revenue Agency doin’ their job
Barenaked Ladies - “Sell Sell Sell”
...
Jon-Rae Fletcher & The River - “Song I...
Man purse!
About five years ago, I had a “Corn and tie” party: I bought and served a ton of corn, and if you weren’t wearing a tie, you couldn’t come into the apartment. It was lots of fun; everyone loves fresh BC corn, and I picked up a bunch of extra ties from the BCSPCA Thrift Shop for anyone who thought I was joking about that requirement (I do not joke about theme parties).
...
“This is almost as much fun as catching bowling balls with my teeth.”
– Peter Venkman, The Real Ghostbusters
I ended up in a conversation about Masters of the Universe action figures (Skunkor, specifically) with one of my publishing contacts, Blake. One thing led to another, and I ended up threatening to register blake[his last name]isabigphony.com if I didn’t...
I came from what they called a broken home,
but...
tomwaits:
Tom chats with Bob Dylan on “Theme Time Radio Hour” http://ow.ly/1z2rL
Joy explosion.
Sidenote: the onion curse is the only full sentence I can say in Yiddish.